Trannies Who Needs Em

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”USE EM OR LOSE EM”

Liverpool to host the 2020 Olympics

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2020, the
organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a Native
of the city (preferably from the Toxteth area), wearing the
traditional costume of shell suit ,baseball cap and balaclava mask.
It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van
situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Britain's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol ,a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges,
gardens,fences walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and Jewellery
as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor
style wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, And
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of Tennents while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when
he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed And
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering , flashing, joy
riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be
issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on
their way round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off a bridge on the Mersey. The first
three survivors back, will decide the medals

MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Liverpool Health in the Community anti -drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing and music by the Bootle Boys Band. The Olympic flame will
be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it
from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The
stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Joe Murphy walks into a bar in Ormskirk, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat
after I draw it Joe; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Joe replies, "Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and
I'm here in Ormskirk.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together."
The bartender admitted that this is a nice custom.
Joe becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Joe looks confused for a moment, and then it occurs
to him what's happening. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Congratulations to little- Jack- Carney, winner of Decembers manager of the month, little Jack wins a crate
of tizer after his record score over the festivities.

WILL 2007 BE A GOOD YEAR FOR PUNTERS?
ALWAYS tell the other half that your first New Year's resolution is not to bet any more.
Never reveal that your second is not to bet any less. People who give up things for New Year are wimps and I've long since given up being one of them.
I once phoned my dad to tell him I'd given up smoking and he said I was a quitter. That's shaped my outlook.

You can never give up betting anyway. It's a bit like sex,( I expect ), though nowhere near as costly.
Then again why should you want to give it up?
They say the next best thing to betting and winning is betting and losing, although that's not strictly true.

The next best thing to betting and winning is betting and winning without the missus finding out, and the next best thing to that is betting on non-runners. I've been known to spend the day deliberately backing non-runners because I need the cash.

Betting is in the blood. I was a gambler even as a toddler.
My mum warned me it would drop off if I kept playing with it but I was prepared to take the risk,
(or at least pay someone to play with it for me).

So now 2007 has booted the crap out of 2006 ( a little over a week ago now), I am wading in with my betting boots.
It's a little-known fact that 2007 in the Chinese calendar is the Year Of The Bet.
And to celebrate, we here at Mad Hq have unearthed some stonking bets for the New Year.

1 SHAUN Wright- Phillips at 2-1 to play a competitive England game.
True, I'd sooner back the pint-sized Chelsea misfit to play a competitive Subbuteo game - but no bookie will offer odds.
Wright- Phillips is the adopted son of Ian Wright and not, as many believe, of Madonna.
But he's a class act whatever Jose Mourinho thinks, and once he's switched clubs (in January) he'll thrive.

2 TIGER Woods at 14-1 to score a hole in one at a Major.
Sounds unlikely but we have the law on our side - the law of averages, that is. He hasn't done it yet but remember he'll likely have around 64 cracks at it this year. John Brocken once scored a hole in one and left the ball in the cup as proof.
whilst John Massam is such a cheat with the scorecard that he got a hole in one and wrote "none" on his card.

3 MICHELLE Wie at 6-4 to make the cut in a men's USPGA tour event in 2007.
I know what you're thinking. Make the cut? She should be at home making the tea.
But times have changed and it's no longer true that women should only be allowed in the kitchen and the bedroom.
The bathroom ain't gonna clean itself, is it? Even MRS Carney has left the kitchen in 2007.
Wie has never made the weekend in a men's event - in fact she goes Wie Wie Wie all the way home on Fridays .
And 6-4 is a fair price for it to happen in 2007.

4 THE leader to fall at the last in the Grand National at 25-1.
It's not the done thing to shout "fall" at the leader when you've backed the second.
First, the jockey or horse could get seriously hurt. Second, it never works.
But this is a great bet because no matter what horse you back at Aintree on the first Saturday in April,
you'll have an interest right up to the final fence. And if you've backed the leader, well, you know 100 per cent it will fall.

5 J-LO and Marc Anthony at 5-1 to be the first celebrity couple to divorce.
It's a fact that 97 per cent of marriages end in divorce - well, that's according to a survey of Jennifer Lopez.

6 RONNIE O'Sullivan is a poor 4-1 favourite to win the World Snooker Championship.
Rocket's walk-out during the UK Championships will make punters wary of backing him.
Not even Ulrika Jonsson has given in so early of an evening.
Mark Williams is a hefty price at 14-1 .

7 ROGER Federer didn't make many mistakes last year,
if you forget that awful white jacket at Wimbledon.
But if anything untoward happens to him in the Aussie Open, then you can't help thinking
Ivan Ljubicic is massively overpriced to win in Melbourne.

8 LIVERPOOL were written off as no-hopers to win the Champions League two years ago.
Now they're 30-1 on to win in 2007. That price could prove to be the pick of the New Year's sales.
Sure, Barcelona is a mountain to climb, but if the mountain won't come to (Sheikh) Mohammed...
One thing for sure is if they draw The Arsenal they are going out,
by my calculations Arsenal are due to score 9 goals next time they meet,
following the 3, then 6 in the mickey mouse cups.

9 WAYNE Rooney at 25-1 to write another book.
The 6-4 available yesterday that he colours one in has long since vanished.
His first book hardly drew rave reviews - once you put it down you couldn't pick it up -
but wasn't he under some sort of fat contract to write five between now and his next haircut?
Fatboy Roo has the perfect place for his first - he just leaves it on the sideboard.

10 IT'S a shock to see Jonny Wilkinson at 16-1 to retire from international rugby.
I thought he already had. Remember the days he used to clasp his hands together before he took a conversion?
He still does that now, except he's praying he'll get a game.

11 Paul Jonno Jonsson at 7-1 to win the Madleague next May.
No longer the nearly-man of Mad, the square-jawed one is nonetheless always under-rated. .

12 ENGLAND not to lose a Test series in 2007 is priced up at 8-13.
I take it from that price we're not playing Australia again.
Who the hell are we playing? We should find out and play them more often.

13 THE Cheeky Girls at 20-1 to have a UK No1.
MP Lembit Opik has taken a lot of stick for his unlikely dalliance with one of the Romanian poppets,
but he can have the last laugh by turning the other Cheeky.
Opik is lobbying to have sex toys made legal in Bucharest. The whole place is buzzing

14 YOU can also bet on who Britney will date first in 2007.
It's been so cold recently all four of Britney's cheeks are rosy.
The smart money is on Danny Onions but the better bet is Britney to have a UK No.1 or No 2 in 2007 at 7-4.
She's bound to come over here and, let's face it, women go to the toilet just as often as us guys.

15 IT'S 4-1 for Pete Doherty to appear in court five times or more.
I'm not sure which court they mean but I'm guessing it's the High.
I don't like to give the panda-eyed simpleton any publicity because I don't like people who take drugs
- like customs men, for instance - but Doherty these days seems to be linked with every misdemeanour in London.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but for a while Doherty was a suspect.

P.S. THE poker bubble will burst, just as bubbles always burst when you poke them.
Mugs will soon get fed up with sharks fleecing them. I know I did.

Quote “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties,”
Brian Cooper 30^th November 2006. Under worked and Overpaid Coops the manager of ‘Arthur Utd’
has scooped two bottles of wine, the manager of the month award of a crate of beer and £100 cup
winners prize this week.

Recently relegated and retiring Paul Matchett loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat
the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming
when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there,
floating on the top, was a frog.
Paul said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and
I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give
you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
Paul looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully,
and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
Paul opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age
I'd rather have a talking frog."

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain
water.
WEB PAGES:Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at
all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to the barman Mike "My elbow hurts
like hell.
I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects
a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering
if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample
from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and mastu**ed into
the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant - Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

The love story of Jim and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

Don’t know about you but I’m off to put a fiver on Big Sam Allardyce at 5-1. Only Big Sammy would stand three rounds against the top of our hardest guys Andy ‘Big Boy’ Bell.

"Walcott ? It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a
call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job, so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe! jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesborough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there....

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: Did you enjoy that Gordon?
Strachan: Aye, I did - so much so that I'm going home to watch it on ceefax
(walks off) The world looks a totally different place after two wins. I can
even enjoy watching Blind Date or laugh at Noel's House Party.

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then ?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger hair, and a big nose!

Reporter: So, Gordon, any plans for Europe this year?
Strachan: Aye, me and the wife quite fancy Spain in August.

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play? Gordon Strachan:
If I was English I'd top myself!

There has been accusations that this site is anti Liverpool, lets put that right,
we would not publish daft jokes like the hot tip for this years Christmas number one is
“Reina drops keep falling on me head” by Andy Johnson.

Or that Rafa Beneathus has changed his mobile telephone network from 02 to 0 3.
We wouldn’t stoop so low just as Liverpool are turning the corner again.

Scandinavian Superstar

Paul Jonsson is this months manager of the month pipping Brian Coopers Arthur Utd with
a header from Zinedine ZiDunne for Man City. Jonno is top of the Premier league for
the first time and in the last 16 of the knockout cup, although he does have forty-five teams
in the competition. Jonno scoops a crate of lager whilst the divisional awards going to
Brian Cooper, Paul Tully (again), Pete Smith and Pete Magliocco.
Jonno recalled a tale back in his days as an Eskimo when his granddad
amazed a Hollywood film crew.
They were filming a blockbuster near to his igloo. One day he marched to the director on
a blazing sunny day and said “Tomorrow Snow” Sure enough it snowed 24 hours later. The
following day he said “Tomorrow storm” and the next day a fearsome terrible storm blew.
This went on for five days and the director sent for Mr. Jonsson.
“I’ve a big scene to shoot tomorrow said the Director, what will the weather be like?”
”Don’t know Radio broke” he replied.

P.S what is all this nonsense about the greenhouse effect?
just stop building them.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Bizarre shopping lists

Lamps

Frank Lampard is top of Barcelona’s shopping list!..........................
Lampard, Heinz beans, ketchup, milk, bread and garlic something or other. Just shows how good men are at shopping and why nappies are next to beer. If your sent at short notice to get pampers why not pick up a crate of Stella.

Becks

David Beckham has turned down a contract at ‘New England Revolution’ as he wants to finish his career in America.

Two Faces

British doctors have been given the go ahead to conduct the first face transplant Steve Gerrard is the donor and his two recipients have thanked him for his generosity. Stevie has also leant his mate ten grand for plastic surgery but cant get it back because he doesn’t know what he looks like now.

Lego

A mate of mine had an operation on a gangrenous leg. The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The bad news was they had took the wrong leg but the good news was they thought they might be able to save the other one.!

Mounty is a’ kick in the grass !’

Scientists say one read of this page and your addicted ( to what ….drink.)

The thing is about reaching your peak is you never really know you have reached it

until you are on your way down, what has happened to the Mounfield contingent this year.

Mounfield has gone to the USA to pick up some tips, depending on results in the land of

the star spangled banner Mounty is probably a Tamper Bay Rowdies fan now !

P.S Who was the last person to go to tamper with the kids ?

Destiny For Desperados

Des in line for Countdown!

 No not that one Des O’ Connor to replace Des Lynam.

Desperados though are having a good week knocking out last year’s cup holders Fynoderee Devils

on the captains rule. Get on early for Desperados to do the double !

Wise Men Say…..

Have a millionaire godfather who owns a football club. Who would have thought Dennis The Menace

would get a top job like Leeds, then again having Ken Bates as godfather to your children might

have helped things along. There must still be hope for Newcastles Danny Onions 46 points with only 7

this month….. is Freddy Shepherd any relation Dan or Sir John the godfather to any young onions ?

Would Desperate Dan do any worse than Newcastles 116 million loss in 9 years and top signings like

Titus Bramble, Marcelino, Boumsong, Cort, Viana, and Luque ?

Tenants Who Would Have Them

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at

6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise

made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Supertullyisfantsticcravenisatrocious

Paul ‘Tuggsy’ Tullys Athletico Pablo are heading for the premier league leaving Richie Cravens

Claires Clarets tumbling in the opposite direction towards the Dear Doras.

It’s the first time in four years I have been able to use the headline from Pauls favourite film

 ‘ The sound of Music ‘

1f in Failure

Kev Hogarths bunch of Whoppers lie marooned at the bottom of the Dear Dora’s despite making ten transfers.

Parbolds crooner swooped this week belatedly for the best striker in the country Andy Johnson

to bail him out. The best thing you can say about Johnson is that he’s no Peter Crouch !

Adopt a Baby One More Time

Adopting a foreign baby seems to be the latest celebrity fashion as opposed to George Bush and Tony Blair

who only want to adopt foreign countries. Here are the odds on the next celebrity couple to adopt

a foreign cherub. The Spears 3/1 The Beckhams 6/1 The Mounfields 8/1 The Cruises 10/1.

Although Scott Keay went out for a Chinese on Friday and can be backed at 50/1

Pearsona Non Gratia

Adam Pearson would like to pass on his appreciation to Mr and Mrs Thomas Ball who towed him out

of the Mersey tunnel last week when his new sports car had broken down. Adam says “It’ was such a

relief to have been pulled out by the balls”

HOME	LEAGUE TABLE	CUP TABLE		STATS PAGE	TEAMS PAGE	CHAMPIONS LEAGUE		PRIZES
INTRODUCTION			KNOCKOUT CUP				PLAYER PRICES

KEEPERS	Total	DEFENDERS	Total	MIDFIELDERS	Total	STRIKERS	Total
James	17	Carragher	36	Gerrard	32	A Johnson	29
Van D Saar	14	P Neville	35	Nolan	29	D Bent	24
P Robinson	13	Campo	21	Cahill	26	Kanu	20
Jaskelainen	12	Primus	18	Fabregas	24	Zamora	17
Howard	6	Ferraria	16	Scholes	18	Ronaldo	15
Reina	5	Terry	14	Duff	16	Doyle	12
Kirkland	5	Toure	12	Giggs	16	Van Persie	8
Friedel	5	Mellberg	12	Pedersen M	14	Henry	8
Lehman	5	Finnan	11	Arteta	14	Saha	8
Sorenson	4	Carr	10	Parker	13	Dickov	7
Cudicini	4	A Ferdinand	10	Barton	11	Solskjear	7
Given	2	Hunt	10	Lampard	11	Crouch	6
Foster	1	Campbell	10	Jenas	9	H Camera	6
Schwarzer	1	Gabbidon	9	Gonzales	8	Angel	6
Weaver	1	Mullins	8	Speed	8	Adebayor	6
Grand Total	95	Barry	7	Robben	6	Rooney	6
		Riise	6	Lennon	5	Lita	5
		Dawson	5	Petrov	5	Roberts	5
		Eboue	5	Rosicky	4	Drogba	5
		Young-Pyo	5	Gilberto	4	Shevchenko	3
		Dunne	5	Carrick	4	Vassell	3
		Neill	5	Seol	4	Berbatov	3
		Brown1	5	Scharner	3	Heskey	3
		Ferdinand2	4	Bowyer	2	Baros	3
		G Johnson	4	Alonso	2	Kuyt	3
		O'Shea	4	J Cole	2	Bellamy	2
		Carvalho	4	Landzaat	2	King	2
		Ekotto	4	Rommadahl	2	Kitson	2
		L King	4	Sinclair	2	Keane2	2
		Agger	3	Benayoun	2	McCarthy	2
		Riggott	3	Cattermole	2	K Davies	2
		Bramble	3	Tiano	2	McBride	2
		G Cahill	3	Downing	2	Rossi	2
		Heintz	3	J Young	2	Agbonlahor	2
		Haim	3	Bullard	1	Sameras	1
		Naysmith	3	D Francis	1	C John	1
		Cole Ash	3	Ballack	1	Hasselbaink	1
		Mi Taylor	3	Stellios	1	Helgusson	1
		C Moore	3	Solano	1	Defoe	1
		Abdoul Faye	3	Boateng	1	Pedersen	1
		Matteo	2	Harper	1	Davies	1
		G Neville	2	Kilbane	1	Walcott	1
		Babayaro	2	Ljungberg	1	Cole Andy	1
		Ehiogu	2	Malbranque	1	McCulloch	1
		Ridgewell	2	McCann	1	Anelka	1
		Samuel	2	Pennant	1	Benjani	1
		Sendros	2	Richardson	1	Hulse	1
		Yobo	2	Savage	1	Grand Total	249
		Hyypia	2	Routledge	1
		Stefanovic	2	Grand Total	321
		Gallas	2
		Vidic	2
		Woodgate	1
		L Young	1
		Jagielka	1
		Unsworth	1
		Silvestre	1
		Bridge	1
		Queudrue	1
		Hibbert	1
		Boyce	1
		Valente	1
		Evra	1
		Lauren	1
		Baines	1
		DeMerit	1
		Distin	1
		Fortune	1
		Jordan	1
		Knight	1
		Laursen	1
		Lescott	1
		McEverly	1
		Mills	1
		Richards M	1
		S Hughes	1
		Grand Total	380